Why an Apology Can Make Things Worse
After an argument, most people apologize the way they would want to be apologized to. A person who likes things settled quickly says sorry fast and moves on. A person who needs to talk it through wants a long conversation. A person who wants to know exactly what went wrong explains it step by step. Each of these is a real apology, and each one can miss the person it is meant for.
That is why a repair sometimes reopens the fight. You said sorry, and the other person heard you brushing it off, or making it about yourself, or making excuses. Their style decides what a repair has to contain before they can let the argument go.
This lesson shows what each style needs from a repair, the apology that backfires with each, and how long each style usually takes to come back. It works for a partner, a friend, a parent, a teenager or a coworker.
A repair works when you say what this person needs to hear, at a time this person is ready to hear it. Most failed repairs get the words or the timing wrong for the other person's style.
Read the whole lesson
This lesson is one of the premium lessons included with WiredType Plus and Pro. The rest of it shows what a D, an I, an S and a C each need from an apology, the apology to avoid with each, how long each usually takes, and practice scenes with feedback on every choice.
See what Plus and Pro includeWhat the full lesson covers
- The four parts of a full repair
- What a D, an I, an S and a C need from you
- The apology that backfires with each style
- Timing: when to go back and how long to wait
- What to ask for when you were the one hurt
- Practice: four scenes with feedback