Why Couples Have the Same Argument Again and Again
Many couples find themselves having the same argument again and again. The subject changes, from the dishes to money to whose family to visit, but the shape stays the same. One person pushes and the other withdraws. One person wants to talk it through tonight and the other wants to sleep on it. One person wants a plan and the other wants to know they are still loved.
Very often, the repeated argument is two styles meeting the same stress in their own ways. Once you can see the pattern, you can stop arguing about the dishes and change the part of the pattern that is yours.
This lesson describes the argument each pair of styles tends to have, the sentence that interrupts each one, and how to talk about the pattern itself with your partner on a calm day.
Your own half of the pattern is the part you can change. When one person changes how they respond, the argument often goes differently.
This lesson is for disagreements between two people who respect each other and feel safe with each other. If an argument includes threats, control, fear or harm of any kind, changing your half will not fix it, and fixing it is never your job. Please talk to someone you trust or to a professional. In the United States, the National Domestic Violence Hotline answers at any hour: call 1-800-799-7233, text START to 88788 or visit thehotline.org, and if you are in danger right now, call 911. Outside the United States, call your local emergency number or a domestic violence service where you live.
Read the whole lesson
This lesson is one of the premium lessons included with WiredType Plus and Pro. The rest of it describes the argument each pair of styles tends to have, the sentence that interrupts each one, how to raise the pattern on a calm day, and practice scenes with feedback on every choice.
See what Plus and Pro includeWhat the full lesson covers
- The first move each style makes in a fight
- The argument each pairing tends to repeat
- One sentence that interrupts each pattern
- Raising the pattern with your partner on a calm day
- When two people share a style
- Practice: four scenes with feedback